Ex-Etiquette for Weddings by Jann Blackstone-Ford

Author:Jann Blackstone-Ford
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Chicago Review Press
Published: 2007-04-07T04:00:00+00:00

Inviting an Ex-Bonusparent

“I am getting married this fall. My mother was married to my stepdad for ten years and divorced last year. He has been in my life since I was a young girl, and I want to invite him to my wedding. My mom is fuming. Because she hates him, I can’t invite him to my wedding? One other thing, their three-year-old daughter, my half-sister, will be my flower girl. It doesn’t seem fair that her daddy can’t see her all dressed up.”

Many divorced people feel as your mother does. They expect their relatives’ allegiance after their divorce, thinking to themselves, “If I don’t get along with him, you can’t either” or “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t side with that jerk.” The truth is, it has nothing to do with siding with anyone; rather, you’ve formed a relationship with your mother’s ex over the years that’s completely separate from your relationship with her, and that relationship means something to you. You also recognize that your mom’s ex-husband is also the father of your half-sister, and you understand the need to continue to interact positively for the sake of the little girl.

Bottom line, in this day and age, when the divorce rate is 50 percent, if people started eliminating everyone who is someone’s ex from the invitation list, very few people would be invited. That’s why it’s best that you have a heart-to-heart with your mother, explain your point of view, invite everyone whom you want to invite, and let each person decide if he or she wants to attend.

Some may question this reasoning; after all, she’s your mother. And there are always extenuating circumstances that may lead to another conclusion (for instance, if a stepparent was violent or abusive, it would be inappropriate to invite him or her). But in general, this is what I suggest. Out of respect for the bride and groom and the importance of the day, everyone who attends should act like adults. I suggest you all go light on the alcohol, though. Alcohol can loosen the inhibitions and the tongue. Kids will be watching, and if you think there is even a chance of a scene, help Mom stay away from the booze. Another helpful hint: delegate a close friend to keep an eye on the ex-couple; if she anticipates there might be words, she should quickly get your ex-stepdad out on the dance floor.

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